


Maybe it's NOT disgust

by yvchann



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Blow Jobs, Eventual Smut, I Still Don't Know How To Write, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Kink Discovery, M/M, Masturbation, Smut, Spit Kink, This is kinda bad, that one vlive
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-09
Updated: 2020-05-07
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:35:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,918
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23471797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yvchann/pseuds/yvchann
Summary: Hongjoong realises he wants San to spit in his mouth basically
Relationships: Choi San/Kim Hongjoong
Comments: 20
Kudos: 104





	1. Chapter 1

It started when he drank from the same bottle as San, at first he was unaware that the boy had literally spat in the bottle before passing it to him. Seonghwa, despite watching San spit in the bottle, decided to let Hongjoong know AFTER the Vlive.

"He did WHAT?"

"He spat in the bottle... before you drank from it.." Seonghwa's voice was quiet, as if talking any louder would cause Hongjoong to throw him from the closest window.

"And you chose to tell me NOW instead of before I drank it? What the hell, Seonghwa."  
"I'm sorry, okay! It's just.. we were live.. and the members were talking..." 

Hongjoong sighs, watching Seonghwa's face, he can't be mad at him, especially not when he genuinely looks sorry.  
"Just.. warn me next time, okay?" Seonghwa replies with a nod before scurrying off to his room, leaving Hongjoong to think.  
-  
A good couple of weeks go by and Hongjoong is still thinking about the Vlive incident. No matter how hard he tries he just can't shake the image of him drinking from that damn bottle. He chalks it up as disgust, that's the only emotion he could feel after drinking someones spit, right? 

Apparently not. 

After finally getting some time alone, Hongjoong does what any other person would do.  
He reaches over to his bedside drawer, blindly fishing around for his lube. Once he finds it, he pulls his shorts down just far enough for his dick to be freed, quickly opening the cap of his lube and drizzles a generous amount to his fingers to warm it up before wrapping his hand around himself. He wastes no time, instantly choosing a quick pace. He lets his mind wander, imagining what the other members could do to him if they were here with him, light moans spilling from him mouth. Thoughts of Seonghwa filling him up, bending him over and using his body, thoughts of Wooyoung wrapping his lips around his dick, taking him all the way into his mouth, staring him down the whole time, thoughts of San spitting into his mouth. 

"F-fuck.." He swipes his thumb over the head, thrusting up into his hand once, twice more before he cums all over his stomach, hand gradually slowing to a halt.

His eyes open. San. Spitting in his mouth...

So maybe he wasn't disgusted.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> again, i'm not too sure how i felt about this but i wanted to write SOMETHING, hoping for the next chapter to actually have some progress and be a bit longer:)

Hongjoong wanted nothing more than to go home, but instead he’s been dragged out to a "celebratory" meal by his beloved members, what they are celebrating he doesn't know, but he doesn't question it. He lets his eyes fall shut despite the others quite literally screaming around him, probably caused by a joke or an insult, the leader couldn’t really care less. He lets his mind wander to the other night and what that meant about him. Why would that thought come into his mind when he was getting off and why was that the thought that tipped him over the edge? His eyes open again, roaming around the table until they land on San sat on the other end of the table. Hongjoong studies the way his mouth moves as he fires quick retaliations at Wooyoung. The second San reached for his drink, Hongjoong knew he was fucked but he made no attempt to look away.

The leader watched the way the younger took a swig from the bottle and let some of the liquid in his mouth dribble back out over his lips, he couldn’t tear his eyes away from it. He can feel his whole face flush from simply watching the boy do that, his head drops forwards, slightly more than he had anticipated.

The loud bang caused by Hongjoong's head makes the whole table go quiet, the leader lifting his head up with a groan, moving his hands to cover his overly red face.

“Hongjoong! Are you okay? What happened?” Seonghwa, who’s sat next to him, tries to pry his hands away from his face to assess the damage.

“I’m fine! I’m just tired..” He stands up from his chair as quick as he can. “I’m going to the toilet” He rushes out his excuse before practically scrambling off to the bathroom.

Hongjoong was _hard_. He was hard from watching San spit into a bottle. The embarrassment from that realisation erasing any pain he felt from hitting his head. For the next 10 minutes he stood in the bathroom thinking of any unattractive thought he could to get rid of his problem before he could eventually go back to the table before people got suspicious. 

He settles back in his seat, greeted by his worried members, all fretting over his head. He looked at San once more, he made eye contact with the boy as he lifted the bottle to his lips.

Not again.

—

Before Hongjoong can escape off to bed for the night, Seonghwa stops him to check his head.

“You haven’t scolded San yet..” Seonghwa says casually, hands basically grabbing Hongjoong's whole head in his larger hands to check for any signs of an injury.

Hongjoong freezes up at the mention of the younger boys name. “What do you mean..?” 

“I mean.. you seemed pretty angry about it the other week.. you know, him back washing” 

If Seonghwa notices the way Hongjoong shivers at his words, he doesn’t mention it, and the leader is thankful.

“Well.. I-I guess he can’t help it you know.. telling him to stop won’t do anything..” He speaks quickly and Seonghwa takes his time to respond, finally stepping away from Hongjoong.

“I guess so.. you seemed bothered while we were out.. if you need to talk then I’m here, okay?” He says gently, Hongjoong responds with a strained smile.

“Thank you Seonghwa..”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tried to make this chapter a bit longer, it's still not as long as i'd hoped but at least its longer :)  
> I didn't proof read because im tired as fuck so if there's errors im sorry!

It was getting harder to deal with his thoughts as the days, no weeks, went by. He could barely look at San anymore, choosing to actively avoid the poor boy to make life easier for himself. He knew it was wrong to do so, and he was very aware that he wouldn’t be able to do it forever. The problems started to arise when it was time for them to practice the choreography for their new comeback, it took a lot of communication to be able to do it right meaning that Hongjoong couldn’t just ignore the younger boy as he had been doing for the past week. He could still try though. Whenever San would approach Hongjoong, he would pretend to be doing something else, he would randomly strike up conversation with another member or a member of staff, anything to make himself look busy, and it worked for the most part, San would leave him alone once he noticed that he was talking to someone else, Hongjoong letting out a sigh of relief once the boy had walked away. His plan was fool proof. At least he thought it was anyway.

San had noticed that Hongjoong was acting weird the second he got to the practice room, in fact, he noticed that he had been acting weird all week. Any time San would walk into a room, Hongjoong would find an excuse to leave, if San tried to talk to Hongjoong, all of a sudden he was needed elsewhere, or he was too busy to talk. San didn’t think much of it to begin with, he appreciated the fact that Hongjoong was hard working and he didn’t want to bother the older when he was doing something he loved, but they were meant to be resting before the comeback and Hongjoong still had an excuse every time. It hurt to think that he had done something to upset his leader but it hurt even more to know that Hongjoong wasn’t even comfortable to tell him what he had done. It almost felt like a part of him was missing, he wasn’t used to being treated this way, he missed being able to crawl into Hongjoong’s bed at night when he felt lonely or just being able to talk to him about the shows he was watching. He couldn’t do anything about it though, with Hongjoong avoiding him like the plague, he couldn’t even ask him what was wrong.

Another week passes and the others start to notice a change in San’s behaviour, he’s become withdrawn, less talkative, he hasn’t tried to cuddle with anyone all week which was the biggest red flag. Seonghwa instantly knew what was up, he had seen how Hongjoong was avoiding the younger boy but he had hoped he would have sorted it out by now. Clearly Hongjoong needed a push in the right direction. Seonghwa stood outside of Hongjoong’s door, not bothering to knock before shoving his door right open, making direct eye contact with Hongjoongs entire dick.

“Oh my god!” Seonghwa spun around, eyes clenched shut. “Cover yourself up!” 

“What the fuck, Seonghwa!” Hongjoong pulls a blanket over himself, face and neck flushed bright pink. “Get the fuck out!” 

“No! Not before you tell me what the fuck is going on between you and San” 

“Can this not wait? Just.. Give me like five minutes!” Hongjoong is mortified, hands bunched in the blanket in his lap. 

“Five minutes and i’m coming back in, I don’t care if you’re decent or not, got it?” 

“Yeah whatever, just get out!” Seonghwa pulls the door shut behind him and Hongjoong lets out a deep sigh, what the hell just happened.

When Seonghwa comes back in, Hongjoong’s completely dressed, sat on top of his freshly made bed. Seonghwa sits in front of Hongjoong, basically staring holes into him.

“What do you want..” 

“Why have you been ignoring San? Can’t you see how much it’s affecting him, Hongjoong? It’s unfair if you won’t even tell him what’s wrong..” Hongjoong sighs, he knew he would have to face the situation at some point, but that didn’t make it any easier. 

“It’s complicated, Seonghwa.. I can’t just tell him, okay?” 

“Then at least just stop ignoring him, talk to him again, you can’t ignore him forever, especially not with the comeback approaching..” Hongjoong nods, he knows he should talk to him, but every time he looks at him he can’t shake his own filthy fantasies from his mind, leading to him 95% of the time ending up hard in socially unacceptable situations. 

Seonghwa looks at him for a minute before speaking up again. “Does it have anything to do with the other day..?” Hongjoong’s head shoots up to look at the other boy.

“What? No!.. Well.. What do you mean.. What happened the other day?” Hongjoong cringes at the way he fumbled over his own words, head hanging again.

“Well.. When San spat in the bottle and you drank it” Hongjoong clenches his eyes shut, a shiver threatening to take over his whole body at the mere mention of it. “Are you still mad at him?” Mad? How could Hongjoong be mad?

“I’m not _mad_... “

“Then what’s wrong, Hongjoong?”

“I.. I really can’t tell you..” Seonghwa looks at him, confusion written clearly on his face. “I can’t tell anyone.. It’s _bad_ , Seonghwa..” 

“Do you like San?” 

Hongjoong’s eyebrows furrow, he hadn’t even thought about that, he’d been so focused on his new found ‘interest’ that he didn’t even think about how he felt about San. Now that he thought about it, why was it only _San_ that he would imagine spitting in his mouth. Why was it always San who crossed his mind when he was getting himself off. Why was it so hard to simply be around San. 

“Hongjoong?” 

Hongjoong doesn’t have an answer to Seonghwa’s question.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it took me ages to write this, i've not really had the motivation but i refuse to give up on this fic, so here's a new chapter, i hope its good enough, left it on a bit of a cliff hanger so sorry about that :)

Since his talk with Seonghwa, Hongjoong had made an effort to make up with San, taking the younger boy out for coffee, just the two of them. Wooyoung joked that it seemed like they were going on a date and the comment made Hongjoong’s insides twist up. He found himself thinking about San a lot more than usual, making it hard to be around him without spacing out every 5 minutes, but he tried. He didn’t want San to be upset anymore and he definitely didn't want him to be upset because of something he did. 

Hongjoong had more fun than he thought he would, it was surprisingly not as uncomfortable as he imagined it would be, being around the younger was so natural and San held no bad feelings towards him, once again flashing him bright smiles and laughing at his bad jokes. San’s clinginess returned back to normal and Hongjoong couldn’t decide if it was a good or a bad thing. Of course he was happy the younger boy was back to his old self, but it made it harder for his little problem, or “crush” as Seonghwa would call it. Ever since Seonghwa had asked him the question, he had been more focused on how he felt towards San, did he like him? Hongjoong was still struggling to answer that, he liked to think that anything he felt towards San was purely sexual, even though even thinking that made him feel guilty. 

Every time San came to Hongjoong for a hug, a quick kiss on the cheek, to cuddle before sleep, hell even when his knee brushed against his when they went out for coffee, Hongjoong's head was filled with thoughts about San, thoughts that made his whole body flush warm and his cheeks grow red. He knew distancing himself from San wasn’t an option anymore but he didn’t know how to deal with the thoughts that plagued his mind every passing second. Talking to his members wasn’t an option either, he could do nothing but deal with it. 

And deal with it he did, locking himself in any empty room he could find after a particularly ‘troubling’ interaction with San. The only way to deal with his frustrations was to take them out on himself. Obviously, this led to MANY uncomfortable interactions with not only his members, but staff as well, having to explain what he was doing in random dark rooms was getting more and more difficult, his excuses were bad to start with but they became increasingly terrible the more he was caught. Eventually, the one thing Hongjoong dreaded happened.

San walked in on him. 

To make matters worse, San walked in on Hongjoong moaning the boy's name, in a dark practice room with his hand shoved down his trousers. There was no way he was going to excuse this one. 

“W-what are you..?” Sans voice was higher in pitch than usual, clearly surprised, who wouldn’t be upon seeing their close friend in such a way. Hongjoong just stared back at him, mouth agape, completely frozen in place. San takes a few steps into the room. Why was he coming closer? “I-I don’t get it..” 

Hongjoong blinks his own shock away, casting his eyes down towards his hand (which is still very much down his trousers) and quickly moving it to his side. He keeps his eyes on the ground in front of him, unable to speak. 

“Hongjoong..” San comes closer again, lowering his head to try and look at his leaders. He notices how shiny his eyes are, and watches in shock when tears begin to fall down his cheeks which are stained a deep red from embarrassment. San reaches out to tilt Hongjoong’s head up, scanning his eyes over his face. “Don’t cry.. It’s okay..”

“But it’s _NOT_ okay, San!” Hongjoong’s eyes are closed tight, refusing to look at the other in his humiliation, his hands clenched at his sides. “It’s not okay! I shouldn’t be doing this but- but I can’t help it! I shouldn’t be thinking about you the way I do.. I'm meant to be your leader!” He forces out in between his sobs.

The room goes quiet after his outburst, Hongjoong slowly opens his eyes to make look at San, the first thing he notices about the younger is that he’s smiling. 

“Why are you smiling..?” San’s smile only grows at the older boy's confusion.

“I’m not mad at you.. I- Well i’m… relieved?” 

“Relieved? Why..?”

“Well.. For one I now know the real reason you were avoiding me for all that time.. And well..” He pauses for a moment.

“Well..?”

“Well.. “ San lets out a small laugh, looking anywhere but Hongjoong’s eyes when he continues speaking. “I guess I think about you when i’m.. Like this too..?”

“Like.. this?” 

San looks at Hongjoong from head to toe, the way his lips are bitten raw from trying to hold in his noises, his hair is somehow messy, sweat still on his forehead, the way that his trousers were still undone from his earlier activities. 

“Like… _this_ ” He meets Hongjoong's eyes once again, hands moving down to rest on the leaders hips. 

“Oh...”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mmm finally some fuck, very short tho so im sorry but we will get there

He’s not entirely sure how they ended up in his room but here they are, Hongjoong pressed against the wall closest to the door with San’s knee pressed against his crotch. He’s biting marks into his neck and Hongjoong can’t keep the filthy noises from spilling anymore, mouth hanging wide open. He can barely remember how their conversation at the studio had gone but what he did know is it ended with him pressed up against the wall like he is now, Sans lips against his. He vaguely remembers being in the van on the way back, San sat closer than usual, hand on Hongjoong’s thigh. While this wasn’t unusual, the way Sans hand was creeping further and further up was, but Hongjoong wasn’t about to tell him to stop. Hongjoong’s brought back to the present moment when the younger boy grinds his knee up, resulting in a loud moan escaping him. 

“Fuck.. Fuck San please, the bed” He pleads, legs barely keeping him up as a result of the slight friction. “Need you so bad..” The slight chuckle coming from the younger boy goes straight to Hongjoong’s dick, it's embarrassing how turned on he is. The two of them stumble over to the bed, falling down unceremoniously, San’s back on him the second his back hits the mattress, producing dark marks across his chest. Where did his shirt even go? He watches the younger as he presses harsh kisses into his skin, lower and lower until he reaches the top of his jeans. San looks up and their eyes meet, Hongjoong nodding once to show his consent, he wants nothing more than this right now. San makes quick work of his jeans, roughly pulling them down his legs along with his boxers. 

“Please San.. please hurry up..” Hongjoong’s already out of breath somehow, so affected by San’s mouth alone, he’s so fucked.

“So desperate already.. how cute, don’t worry, I’ve wanted this as bad as you, you won’t have to wait too long..” He settles himself down on his stomach in between the other boys legs, pressing a quick kiss to his right thigh. 

“Yes! Yes please San I need it.. wanted it for ages..” He tips his head back, unable to bear the sight of the other between his thighs, lips hovering just inches away from where he needs him most. He feels a shaky breath leave San’s lips and then finally a hand wraps around him, he doesn’t have to look to know that the boy's hand had entirely engulfed his dick. His face heats up with shame, whimpering for the other boy to just do something.

The hand around him starts to move and Hongjoong suddenly doesn’t feel like a person anymore, how did his hand feel so good? San’s movements are slow and teasing and Hongjoong wants to beg for him to go faster but all that leaves his mouth is shaky moans, unable to find the words to plead for what he wants. San laughs at him, stopping his teasing and settling for a faster pace, focused entirely on the head of his cock, just to watch the boy fall apart in front of his eyes. 

“Is that good..?” Hongjoong barely garbled out a response before the hand around him was speeding up once again before leaving him completely. He laid panting, eyes clenched shut and trying to even out his breathing. When he finally looks between his legs, San is looking back at him like a sly fox, a grin spread across his face. “Want more?” Hongjoong nods frantically, head falling back into the pillow behind him. “Words, Hongjoong”

“Please..” 

“What do you want?” 

“Your mouth please..”

San doesn’t say anything more, instead choosing to wrap his lips around the tip of Hongjoong’s dick, causing his hips to rut up into his mouth. Hongjoong feels his soul leave his body at the way San’s tongue is swirling around him. He threads his fingers in the boys hair, trying to push him further down, needing him to take all of him. 

“God f-fuck.. Your mouth feels so good…” He can’t stop his hips from thrusting shallowly into the other boy's mouth, chasing his own pleasure, how was he so close already? It isn’t hard for San to take him all in his mouth and sparing a glance down, his eyes catch the drool spilling around from Sans lips and that’s all Hongjoong can take. He cums in San’s mouth, the other slowly pulling away from him once he was done. He still has his eyes closed when he feels a tap on his thigh, when he looks down, San’s tongue is lulling out his mouth, Hongjoong's cum slowly dripping off along with the other boy's saliva, dripping warmly onto his thigh.

“God.. San..” Hongjoong groans, once again dropping his head back, that image would stick with him for the rest of his days. They stay in silence for a moment, Hongjoong trying to gain back his sanity, before Hongjoong looks at San who's moved to lay by his side. “Thank you… Do you need some help..?”

“Oh uh.. No, I'm okay..”

“Are you sure? I don’t mind, actually I really want to..”

“I’d love you to but.. I already came earlier.. You sounded so good” San mumbles, clearly embarrassed and Hongjoong reaches out to tuck some of his hair behind his ear. 

“So cute.. It’s okay.. I can just blow you next time” 

“You want there to be a next time..?”

“Of course I do.. I actually like you, San”

“I actually like you too.. Have for a while now..” They settle into a comfortable silence, San’s head coming to rest on Hongjoong’s shoulder, they listen to each other breathe before San speaks up once more. “Where do we go from here...?” Hongjoong wants to coo at the boy, he could hear how shy he was, how worried he was about this all but that's how Hongjoong knew he actually wanted this.

“Well.. We should probably start with talking this through.. What we both want, you know?” San hums along, nodding his head against the others shoulder. “But first we should probably clean up..”

“And it’s late.. Should we just talk in the morning..?” 

“Yeah.. sounds good, you’ll stay to cuddle, right?” Now Hongjoong feels shy, he’s not really used to sleeping next to someone, preferring his own space at night but he couldn't imagine being away from San right now. 

“Of course I will” He leans in and their lips press together softly, the kiss is short but sweet, and Hongjoong’s starting to feel overwhelmed again, breaking their kiss off with a small smile. 

“Thank you.. Now let’s go shower, I feel gross..”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you guys liked it :) sorry if it seems kinda rushed, ive been struggling with writing recently because of the amount of work i have piling up lmao

**Author's Note:**

> if you think i should continue this then pls comment <3 i need validation


End file.
